When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
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Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”