When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
You Might Also Like
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.