when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
our love story in four pictures
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either