when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.