“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
You Might Also Like
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs