When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Muppet Screams
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”