When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas