When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

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-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me


[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*


Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.


Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.


Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk


Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.


My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.


[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?


If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.