@weinerdog4life

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

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@TheAndrewNadeau

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

@SteveSuckington

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

@MoneypennyNaked

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

@SonOfCha

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

@LaLuchaNix

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

@bluntphilip

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

@dafloydsta

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

@carlyken

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.