@weinerdog4life

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

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@whinecheezits

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

@OMGSoOverIt

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

@glenyrd

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

@Petote

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

@jimmytorosian

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

@secondofhername

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

@torrami

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

@LuvPug

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

@kimwilliamz

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

@JulieSnark

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.