@WeAreAllBobNow Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
@weinerdog4life When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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@WeAreAllBobNow 
@TheAndrewNadeau IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
@SteveSuckington [100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
@MoneypennyNaked Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
@SonOfCha Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
@LaLuchaNix Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
@bluntphilip Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
@squirrel74wkgn My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
@dafloydsta [asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
@carlyken If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.