@whinecheezits My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
@weinerdog4life When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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@whinecheezits 
@OMGSoOverIt When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
@glenyrd Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
@Petote 911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
@jimmytorosian I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
@secondofhername Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
@torrami Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
@LuvPug Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
@kimwilliamz It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
@JulieSnark Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.