When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
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Story of my life…..
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁