When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
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Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
This meal prepping shit easy
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
#FunnyLife Insects
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.