When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Blew my mind.
Note to self: I am a note
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
tell em, edith-anne
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum