when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
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Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.