When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
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how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I love wikipedia
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?