When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
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Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
no their not
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.