when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Okay me first
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.