when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
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Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.