When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?