When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.