When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
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luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
This is always good for a laugh.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.