When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
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My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits