When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.