When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person