When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
You Might Also Like
Shower sex be like:
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
When libraries troll their patrons.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*