When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
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Me trying to look natural in photos
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
#parenting
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.