Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?