When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
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CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett