@KingRainhead

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

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@ObscureGent

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

@AngryRaccoon2

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

@TheMossman82

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

@Havish_AF

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

@ItsAndyRyan

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

@ericsodapop

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

@OneFunnyMummy

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

@jonnysun

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

@markydoodoo

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?