When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
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My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies