When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
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8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.