When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
You Might Also Like
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
🙂🐾
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.