When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
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penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.