“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
SCARY COSTUME
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train