When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
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Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
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I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.