When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.