When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
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Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Breaking news:
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.