When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away