When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
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Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Taking phone security to the next level.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag