When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.