When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
he’s doing your taxes
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat