When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
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Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
adam and eve had first world problems
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.