When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
🥶🥶🐶🐶
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year