When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
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If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
When they try to steal your moment.