When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
You Might Also Like
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
yall want some gasoline milk
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Skills
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.