When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?


I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”


I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”


when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral


Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.


⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.



ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all


[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*


I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.


The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien