@Brampersandon_

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

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@ThisLocalHater

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

@JessicaValenti

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

@SamGrittner

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

@bornmiserable

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

@KentWGraham

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

@larryandpaul

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

@AnkCoupleTO

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

@ToriTheMom

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien