When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
And now we wait
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Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
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A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet