When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
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“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.