When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I’m about to risk it all