When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
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mom had nothing to worry about
I’ve had worse
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
same vibe as tangled headphones