When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

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[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.


Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.


I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.


[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale


did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,


7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014


guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name


*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*