@meganamram

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

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@MollySneed

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

@AngryRaccoon2

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

@TheNewDomShow

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

@chuuew

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

@SketchesbyBoze

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

@BecksWelker

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

@mrjohndarby

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

@AimeeHelene1

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*