When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
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Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.