When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
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[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.