When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
#damn
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
live long and prosper!
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn