When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
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When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
is this a threat
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard