when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
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in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all